Eating Disorders and Body Image
I need to numb, to hide, to not feel.
“I can’t wait for this workday to be done, and it is only 1:22 p.m. The only thing that keeps me going is the thoughts of going to the market and buying all the foods I did not allow myself to eat this week so that I can binge all evening.”
“I hope I will be able to get all the foods that I must eat, so tonight will be the last time I binge.”
“Tomorrow I’ll restrict again, won’t eat all day, and will go to the gym for three hours. I’ll burn all the calories I’ll eat tonight.”
“I promise myself that I won’t throw up because it’s been a few weeks since I did that.”
Nobody knows my secret struggles.
“Everybody here is so friendly with each other, but I feel so alone and that no one likes me. They don’t know me, because I feel uncomfortable talking too much with anyone. I get along with them by putting my mask on daily.”
“If only they knew the problems which I have had for years behind closed doors. Truly, not many people know. I feel so ashamed and misunderstood all the time. Ashamed of who I am. I can’t stay here anymore; I am leaving.”
The cycle starts again.
“Now I am home. I can turn off my phone and put all my foods out in the order that I want to eat them as I watch Netflix.”
“Oh, what a relief in those first few bites, what a high. As I take bite after bite, my mind gets quiet after a few hours, and those constant thoughts about painful things that I try to forget fade away now that I am numb.”
“Shit, I knew I needed to stop earlier because now I can’t breathe, and my body hurts all over. My stomach, chest, and back feel pressured from all that food. But I can’t throw up. I can’t purge because I promised myself I wouldn’t. I can’t breathe; I need to let it out!”
Now the guilt.
“I hate myself; I am disgusted and so ashamed. I can’t tell anyone I threw up again.”
“I feel so sad and lost. I don’t care if it is 11:41 p.m. and that I must get up for work tomorrow.”
“I ruined everything. So, I am going to binge/purge all night, because now it doesn’t matter anymore.”
Morning after isn’t any better.
“Ugg, what a morning this was waking up to feeling so disgusting. Where are the days when I could restrict for days without having anything but an apple and a cup of coffee?”
“When I body check myself, I can’t feel my bones this morning.”
“My stomach is bloated after last night; I feel huge, and I hate myself.”
Lying to others and yourself.
“It is 7:30 a.m. already. Called work and said I am sick.”
“I know I won’t get into trouble because I am very good at whatever I do in my life. Nothing like being the perfect student and the perfect employee.”
“What do they know about me? Nothing. I am far from good.”
“Going to the gym, no breakfast, no food for me today! I don’t need to eat after yesterday, and for sure, don’t deserve it.”
If only somebody knew.
L* was hospitalized because her heart almost stopped. Everybody who knew about her eating disorder at that time thought it would be over.
But when L got out of the hospital, she refused any professional help.
And then it started again after a brief respite. Binging. She gained weight, and then people, especially her family and doctors, had a lot to say about her weight gain. That started the cycle of restrict, binge, and purge.
She has been lost in this cycle for years now. Her body is falling apart. L’s hair, skin, heart, everything hurts. Every time she goes to the doctors, they don’t seem to get it. People think that all L cares about is how she looks… if only they knew it was so much deeper than that. Some people think she is “recovered” because she doesn’t look as “sick” as she used to look – and mostly because it is comfortable for them to think like that.
L said, “I want to scream and tell them that eating disorders don’t happen just for teenage girls but all genders, all ages, and all cultures. It looks different from one person than the other.”
Change is a fearful idea.
“I am scared to reach out for support and get professional help because a big part of me does not believe that it will change, and another part is terrified of letting go of what I have known for years.”
“Who will I be without my eating disorders? I will need to feel, to face painful memories, to deal with all the things I suppressed over the years, and to be me without the mask. I truly don’t know who I am without it. It is terrifying me.”
Comes down to a choice between life and death.
L said, “On the other end, I am scared not to get professional help. I don’t want to be one of the people who dies every 64 minutes from an eating disorder because they did not go to treatment.”
“I want to be the other statistic, the one who lives life in recovery.”
Does this sound like a lot? Are you tired from reading it?
It is a lot. It is real. It is tiring to live it, much more than reading about it or observing it from the outside.
It is daily. It is all the time. It can be like this for years, and it will be like this for years without professional help to recover if one survives.
Every story is different, but the pain and risks are the same.
The risk is very real, and the shame and isolation are excruciating. Eating Disorders are truly not just about food and body image. It is a disorder of relationships, a disorder of shame, and a disorder of anxieties. Not every person with Eating Disorders has experienced trauma, but some do.
Time to avoid being consumed.
Without help, the eating disorder will eat all of you, including your body, relationship with yourself and others, school, work, hobbies, and your state of mind. You are not in control. It is an illusion. Yes, it used to help you survive certain things – and at times, it still does. But what felt like a solution became another problem.
There is a solution, and it is treatment.
I am here because you are here, and you know it is time to get out of that vicious cycle, escape from the prison, and set yourself free. Whoever you will meet on the other side is worth being free from this disease.
Rethink why you go through these cycles. You don’t restrict food intake; you minimize yourself because you feel like a burden. You don’t throw up the pizza but throw up your feelings. You don’t truly binge the bags of cookies but push your feelings down so that you can be numb.
Break this cycle with professional support.
I can’t stress it enough. I truly believe and know that there is a way out from disordered eating, eating disorder, and poor body image. The only way is to get professional support and to step into your own recovery journey.
Asking for help can be hard at times; but you have tried so many times alone, only to be upset, broken, and full of more self-hate that it did not work. It is not working, not because you can’t. It is because it is too complex, and you need the support.
Come out of hiding, turn on the light, and start healing.
In the darkest of times, the way to break that cycle and get out of this prison is by shining a light on those dark thoughts, painful behaviors, shame, and guilt. The best flashlight is to bring the uncomfortable and secrets to the surface in therapy. I’ll help you face your demons so that you can heal according to your own timeline.
Eating disorders thrive in isolation, shame, and silence.
Therapy can be the place to get you off that dark and lonely path to a safe space where you can heal and thrive; yes, you thrive! It is time to stop hurting yourself, it is time for you to breathe.
You matter, you are good enough – break the cycle.
*Names changed to protect confidentiality.
